I thought Vermont was better than this.

(Photo by emy on Unsplash)

One balmy summer, I ventured into the woods of Burlington with suitable company: one lesbian, a trans-man, and the rumored Colgate heiress.

A long day of hiking Camel’s Hump trail resulted in cravings for Asian food. Vermont only has 5 ethnic restaurants, so we selected the most authentic-sounding: “Tiny Thai Restaurant.”

Our names were added to the waitlist as I felt blistering stares from natives. They spotted us, the flatlanders, disrespecting the Green Mountain State with a lack of Carhartt dungarees and REI gear. …


You were more than nepotism

Photo by BP Miller on Unsplash

Dear Darling Pierpont,

I’m sorry you were misunderstood. Society credits you for being an American financier, a titan of organized industrialization, and heir to the Morgan banking empire, but I know you as the divergent trust-funder with an occult kink. :)

In 1912, you were investigated for manipulating the market and testified before Congress. Little did they know you had supernatural support….

“Millionaires don’t use astrology, billionaires do”

Remember when you said that? Six little words consistently quoted by spiritualists, astrologers, and new age Tik Tokers. In the 18th century, astrology was frowned upon and considered fraud. …

A guide to “spicy psychology” filling your paternal void.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Release all plebeian notions of astrology

Release all plebeian notions of astrology because Millenials use natal charts to heal parental voids AND drag public figures for filth. Astrology made a comeback, but your dad will not. This article is dedicated to those with unavailable fathers, the “chosen ones” sacrificed from nuclear families.

FATE SAYS: reparent yourself with natal charts and give yourself what your father didn’t: self-love, emotional healing, and *solid* advice.

But Stefanie, I went to therapy, forgave myself and let go….

Therapy is for suckers.

Traditional therapy doesn’t incorporate birth coordinates, so it is useless. The only endowment I got from my…

They charge you 30% fees to withdraw your coins. Then they hold your money for days, claiming it's "security." I was charged a fee of 3040000 SHIB from BitMart to my crypto wallet. Guess who hasn't gotten her coins yet?

A delightful satire of the original 1940s Fantasia, told through the lens of actors committing career suicide.

Photo by cloudvisual.co.uk on Unsplash

I have the very pleasant duty of welcoming you here, on behalf of court subpoenas, depositions, and a series of Number 1 and Number 2’s.

What you’re about to read is designed in Hollywood, by Hollywood. I’m talking about a jaundiced Rubix cube of allegations that inspired one of the greatest libel cases in the 21st century.

There are three kinds of storylines here:

✰ First is a story without a specific plot, illustrating scenes of delphic behavior, urine, and feces.

✰ Next…

I don’t care for you. Facebook doesn’t care for you.

After receiving an unwarranted text activation code @ 11:46 pm on a Saturday night….Facebook and I realized you’re as dull as your weekend.

What spiritless plot were you rousing?

What blasé harm were you intending?

Slander through status updates? Defamation of character through DM’s?

While you were sitting on your Ipad in Lynwood, Facebook and I tracked you and we shared a belly laugh.

Et tu, Brute?

If you ever, ever, ever, try this again….Be warned:

Friday was Chris Cornell’s funeral in LA.

When it stopped trending within 5 hours, I set out to enshrine what I learned:

I’m not here to judge the way he died.
I’m not here to debate whether it was his medication.

I’m not here to speculate external circumstances.

Suicide makes people curious, doesn’t it? My entire life, I heard suicide from a religious standpoint ( i.e. Suicide is SELFISH!!!! )

But now, I have to admit, my views on suicide have shifted.

Chris Cornell mastered grunge. He personified melancholy.

His entire career was based on making music about deep emotions.

courtesy of napoleonshat.buzznet.com

I wake up everyday singing Good Morning Life by Dean Martin, purposefully skipping the line “last night she said she loved me, what a pity to part,” because I’m a disciple of the Principle of Lesser Interest.

Earlier this year I concluded my cycle of serial monogamy. After speaking to a few Burners, I learned polyamory is just as innate. I resolved to free myself from relationship woes and deleted my Tinder/Okaystupid profiles. I was prepared to embark on a commitment-free adventure with zero expectations.

My mentor once told me that every relationship is a play for power. After doing…

Stefanie Guarino

Foster care advocate & keen observer. Lover of satire, astrology, and neurology. broadcaststef@gmail.com

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